Off A Cliff

6/1/10

Round 1: The Set-Up

Having spent the weekend letting loose in Memphis, I had run around for several days in the sweltering, humid city — dancing and sweating, reclining in grass or sitting on dirty benches, and otherwise becoming a content but filthy mess. I decided it was time to freshen up so headed to a truck stop, paying for a nice shower while doing my laundry. Clean and shiny again, I headed to the rest stop where I intended to sleep for the night. Coming out of the bathroom, I noticed a janitor buffing the floor. At least, that’s the thought I had before I suddenly slipped and fell — hard — right on my face. Assessing myself, I realized I was unhurt but covered in wet wax. My newly cleaned clothes and fresh body were now a sticky mess. The janitor, horrified, helped me up and proceeded to try to clean me up — being ridiculously inappropriate I might add, though I took it with good humor. Still, I smelled of wax and had nasty clothes when I left the area. That was Round 1.

The next day I went to Pinson Mounds in Pinson, TN. This is a prehistoric ceremonial village which dates to about the time of Christ. It is also said to be a known power spot.  It was hot there and, as I ate my lunch in the picnic area, I was wishing it would really rain instead of just piddling around with all the brief sprinkles and showers Father Sky had been offering. I got my wish when, suddenly, there was a great downpour with a thunderstorm. I lay in my van enjoying the rain hitting the metal roof of my car. Eventually it cleared, and I emerged to walk the mounds. I took about ten steps before it happened.

Round 2: Fall Down, Get Back Up

My feet lost all traction and, unable to stop it, observed myself helplessly slide face-first into the mud. My arms, where I had tried to break the fall, and my entire front from the waist down were covered. I stood, arms spread wide from my body, looking for a place in the park where I might wash this newest mishap from my body. Sometimes, it just doesn’t pay to bathe. I finally did find a spigot, washing myself best I could and, when at last I found a bathroom, changed from my muddied clothes to yet another freshly-washed pair.

Finally, as the day wore toward sunset, I walked around the mounds a bit, following my usual routine of inviting the spirits of the land and the ancestors to lead me, guide me, and reveal to me anything they so chose. It was close to closing time by then and I was listening intensely, as I wanted to make sure I did whatever was most important. This turned out to be climbing Saul’s Mound, which is 72 feet high, I believe.

Sunset from Saul's Mound

At this place, the archeologists had found the remains of posts that indicated that the people had had a structure there that was exactly aligned to the four directions. So up I climbed, ascending the six flights of stairs to reach the spot which was, most likely, a place where the stars and directions were studied, honored, and consulted. It was here, atop this rise, that I greeted the four directions and my animal guides, allowing energy of this power spot to fill me, lift me, and lighten me up. My past twenty four hours had been challenging — and comical — but I was no worse for the wear. And so it is that we learn to laugh at life, to take the slippery-slidey challenges into stride. We fall down, we get up. A good dose of humor helps this process immensely. And so I carry this story — this memory of being a muddy mess — fondly, as a reminder to always laugh at myself and my circumstances. Ho. Thank you Spirit.

4/29/10

From the start, it seemed that a theme of this trip is death and transformation. Before I ever departed, I did a full Toltec Oracle spread for the journey and the ruler card, which informs all the other cards in the spread, was the underworld. Since then the theme has continued. The other day a dragonfly tapped me on the right shoulder. I followed it to see if it had something to show me but it just flitted around happy to Be. I took it to heart, however, listening to the message of dragonfly. Then, a couple days later, a dragonfly hovered in front of me for several minutes, then flitted around the general area about me.

Dragonfly Medicine

Dragonflies are about dissolving illusion, so I asked Spirit what illusion I must dissolve in order to live from my core. The next day I was practically swamped with dragonflies. They were everywhere! One landed on my car door and wouldn’t leave. It took several minutes of scooching it over inch by inch to get it to where my car door wouldn’t smoosh it upon closing. Then, when I finally got it to leave my car door, it landed on my lawn chair and there it stayed. Don’t you love it when things like that happen?

Pickin’ the Bones

That next day, I drew a vulture card from the Toltec oracle. Vulture is about using what has died as nourishment for something new. There’s sadness when there’s death – and I’ve had a lot of dreams die in the last few years – but vulture says to not let your heart be heavy, but take all the lessons learned from what is past and use them to fuel a new cycle.

The day after that I got up in the morning to find baby butterflies everywhere! Little baby butterflies — which also represent transformation — flitting happily around my campsite. Then I drew from the Toltec Oracle the Monkey. This was kind of humorous because just the day before I had been thinking about my childhood and the saying “monkey see, monkey do,” had popped into my head.

Mastering the Maneuvers

Monkey represents curiosity and the capacity to do research out of a deep desire for knowledge and the accompanying wisdom. Monkey medicine is about teaching, counseling, being a mentor – all of which I am – but, at its deepest, monkey is about mastering energetic maneuvers that allow one to manipulate physical reality. The question became, “HOW do I dissolve illusion to create new reality?” One of the answers is to persevere. Persevere in the way I have gone, persevere in research and experiential learning to move toward that goal. Persevere in what has worked for you, using what you have learned through the deaths and triumphs in your life.

And so it is that I hold the question to Spirit, “How do I integrate all the losses I’ve experienced the last few years, feeding on the corpse of what has died to nourish a new cycle? And how do I find the strength and courage to dissolve the illusion that serves as the barrier to that new cycle?”

Pick the bones.

Do not mourn, but gather your strength from the death of what was to nourish yourself for what is, and is to come. Ho.

“…Warriors go about the process of destructuring the ego harmoniously. Their normality disappears at the same time their energy, control, and sobriety are increasing.” V. Sanchez

I don’t think I’ve ever been normal. What’s held me back and tripped me up most of my life is that I’ve tried so desperately to BE normal. I could have done so much more, been so much more had I not so coveted normality, wanting so deeply to fit in and be loved. I was taught by psychology that this was normal, that even monkeys will cling to the mannequin that’s soft and cuddly, preferring it even over the one that offers milk. And so the brainwashing began…

I spent many, many years studying everything I could find in this field. I delved deep, discovering and exploring branches as diverse as Behavioralism, somatic psychology, poetry therapy and Sufi psychology. I studied process-oriented psychology, Buddhist psychology, ecopsychology, and movement therapy. Art therapy, drama therapy…the list goes on and on.

I probably have as good a handle on psychotherapy and transpersonal psychology as most anyone out there¹, in spite of the fact that I sabotaged myself repeatedly by never conforming to licensure. But it wasn’t until I came upon the Toltec path that I learned there was an entirely different way of thinking and being in the world: a way that is obsessed, not with the ego, but with the destructuring of it. A way that cares not about personal history but the erasing of it. In Toltequity, I found a path of ruthlessness: a deeply grounding, aware way of being that neither coddled the fragile so-called “self,” which is really the illusory ego, nor encouraged the description of reality we are taught to cling to so tenaciously. In Toltequity, I found a path where the real mystery of the Self, the real magic of the world, is open to those with the courage, discipline, and fortitude to find it. And so it is that I became a Toltec.

I have continued to study many things over the years, developed other skills as a shaman and lightworker, but nothing has ever come close to being as revolutionary to me as the way of the Warrior. Hence, in spite of becoming a lightworker and holder of the Inca lineage, I remain always a Toltec at heart. And so it is that, whenever I find myself falling out of balance — feeling ensnared by my description of the world, my personal history, and my identification with “I” – I return to my Toltec “roots.” Now is one of those times. I will write more (hopefully) later about the challenges and shifts occurring in preparation for this pilgrimage. For now, I include this background in my travel journal for this reason: I go as a Warrior. To succeed, and to do so with joy and lightness, I must do so with energy, control, and sobriety. The “I” of the past must be vanquished. It cannot handle this challenge. Only the Warrior I am and am becoming can manage this feat.

Today, I release the need to be normal. Today, I surrender my perceived or imagined need to be understood, loved or accepted. Today I choose to walk the path of the Warrior, choosing instead to create new ways of being; flexible and Free.

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1. I say this, not with any ego attachment, but through the freedom to acknowledge matter-of-factly the substantial experiential and knowledge base I have managed to acquire. As I progress toward and within elder status, I deem it as good and correct to assess and understand what gifts and skills I hold for the community. Thank you Spirit. Ho.