“…Warriors go about the process of destructuring the ego harmoniously. Their normality disappears at the same time their energy, control, and sobriety are increasing.” V. Sanchez
I don’t think I’ve ever been normal. What’s held me back and tripped me up most of my life is that I’ve tried so desperately to BE normal. I could have done so much more, been so much more had I not so coveted normality, wanting so deeply to fit in and be loved. I was taught by psychology that this was normal, that even monkeys will cling to the mannequin that’s soft and cuddly, preferring it even over the one that offers milk. And so the brainwashing began…
I spent many, many years studying everything I could find in this field. I delved deep, discovering and exploring branches as diverse as Behavioralism, somatic psychology, poetry therapy and Sufi psychology. I studied process-oriented psychology, Buddhist psychology, ecopsychology, and movement therapy. Art therapy, drama therapy…the list goes on and on.
I probably have as good a handle on psychotherapy and transpersonal psychology as most anyone out there1, in spite of the fact that I sabotaged myself repeatedly by never conforming to licensure. But it wasn’t until I came upon the Toltec path that I learned there was an entirely different way of thinking and being in the world: a way that is obsessed, not with the ego, but with the destructuring of it. A way that cares not about personal history but the erasing of it. In Toltequity, I found a path of ruthlessness: a deeply grounding, aware way of being that neither coddled the fragile so-called “self,” which is really the illusory ego, nor encouraged the description of reality we are taught to cling to so tenaciously. In Toltequity, I found a path where the real mystery of the Self, the real magic of the world, is open to those with the courage, discipline, and fortitude to find it. And so it is that I became a Toltec.
I have continued to study many things over the years, developed other skills as a shaman and lightworker, but nothing has ever come close to being as revolutionary to me as the way of the Warrior. Hence, in spite of becoming a lightworker and holder of the Inca lineage, I remain always a Toltec at heart. And so it is that, whenever I find myself falling out of balance — feeling ensnared by my description of the world, my personal history, and my identification with “I” – I return to my Toltec “roots.” Now is one of those times. I will write more (hopefully) later about the challenges and shifts occurring in preparation for this pilgrimage. For now, I include this background in my travel journal for this reason: I go as a Warrior. To succeed, and to do so with joy and lightness, I must do so with energy, control, and sobriety. The “I” of the past must be vanquished. It cannot handle this challenge. Only the Warrior I am and am becoming can manage this feat.
Today, I release the need to be normal. Today, I surrender my perceived or imagined need to be understood, loved or accepted. Today I choose to walk the path of the Warrior, choosing instead to create new ways of being; flexible and Free.
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- I say this, not with any ego attachment, but through the freedom to acknowledge matter-of-factly the substantial experiential and knowledge base I have managed to acquire. As I progress toward and within elder status, I deem it as good and correct to assess and understand what gifts and skills I hold for the community. Thank you Spirit. Ho.
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